If Last Night Sucked as much for You as for Me

"If Last Night Sucked As Much For You As For Me" might not sound like a love letter at first take.  

But really, this sample letter takes the prize for Long Love Letters. 

It's from the perspective of a woman now in love with two men. 

She's ready to move forward with a new love, but can't quite give up on the old one. 

In my day I'd say she was being strung along...what would you call it?


Dear [[insert name]];

I had so many things that I probably should have said tonight that I've wanted to say for ages, but I think that when I'm with you I just can't really seem to organize them in my head.

And it all just comes out like I want to have a huge conversation about how much you hurt me....when really I'm trying to talk myself out of telling you anything real about the way I feel....like if I list off all the reasons I shouldn't trust you, I'm going to bide my time and avoid saying anything that's going to make me really vulnerable.

I don't know what it is about you or whatever relationship there is between us, but I find it so hard to really to talk to you....just because I have so many things I want to say that I don't even know where to begin.

So I guess this is my attempt to begin....because I've held back so much from you for so long that every time I see you I have to fight back tears.

And yes, I'm dating someone and things are going well (even though I may not have made it sound that way, I am actually happy) and I plan to see how things play out with him because it's still new and early and you never know what's going to happen.

But that honestly in no way changes the way I feel about you...and it doesn't stop the fact that every time we talk I get a knot in my stomach, knowing that I loved you and never said anything because I felt like you didn't have those kinds of feelings for me and no matter how long we dated, you never really would.

And there is a big part of me that still feels that way, and wants to give it another try because I really think that you and i were good for each other...but I feel like you're always holding back with me and I can't figure out why...like you're always half a step away from saying whatever is really on your mind but then decide against it at the last second.

And maybe you just really don't know what to say....but this business of starting to talk about it, but then not really being able to put everything out there isn't really doing much to help or change the situation and I think it's just making both of us more confused.

So I'm just going to be the first one to actually say something real...and I guess you can do with it what you will.

I chose to stop seeing you again because the idea of another half-assed relationship with someone who had already decided that I wasn't what they were looking for was scary to me...because logically, once you've decided that you don't love someone and don't want to be in a relationship with them, nothing is really going to happen to change that.

So I guess where I'm confused is wondering why you would still be trying to get back with me if I wasn't right for you the first time....or if you were just scared or whatever the case may have been.

The point is that all I can ever do is speculate about how you actually feel/felt about me because you never really tell me....and whatever is holding you back from telling me, is the same thing that was keeping me from ever being your girlfriend....and labels like that might seem stupid to you, but I've been the "not-girlfriend" so many times that I've started to feel like no one wants to admit that they're with me....like I'm not good enough to be something real to anyone, but I'm fine to sleep with for six months until something better comes along.

All I really ever want is to find someone that is proud and happy and excited to be with me...and that seems to be nearly impossible.

I guess where I'm going with all of this....is if you do genuinely want to be with me....and want to be really together  rather than just sort of dating when you're bored or lonely.....then you need to figure out a way to say that.

You can sit and tell me what a great girl I am all day long, but the fact that you recognize that I'm a decent human being doesn't imply anything else....if you want me, then you need to figure that out and decide whether or not you can give me something that's worth my time and feelings and energy....and then you need to say it, without dancing around the subject and hinting and making me guess what you mean.

So it's out there, I loved you....I still love you. and if it's there for you too then we definitely should consider trying again. But if you are unhappy with your life, then a relationship with me or anyone else is not going to fix it and we're basically just going to do it all over again the same as before. So until you have all that straightened out and know what you want from me and what you can give me in return, we are just going to remain friends....no benefits beyond each others company....just friends.

I don't really know where to go from here other than to just say it's out there, and please if you have it in you at all, just find some way to give me something other than the "I really like hanging out with you" speech. I'm sorry if this seems really dramatic, but seeing you last night was very painful and wondering what you're really thinking is making it hard to think about anything else.

I guess I'll hear from you soon....or I won't. whatever you decide is best. But either way I want you to know that I think you and I are good together and it's been there for me from day one no matter how much I've tried to fight it.

Still Yours,

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